Unwanted Attention
by denytheworld
Summary: Ace does not know the meaning of discretion. Smoker suffers for it. smoace


Smoker meets the esteemed (if not slightly eccentric) Yonkou, Red Hair Shanks when the Red Force pulls alongside his ship from seemingly out of nowhere. It was negligence that his crew will have to be punished for after this ordeal was through - if they survive, that is.

In no less than a minute, the members of the Emperor's crew had boarded them. Smoker stood at the forefront, arms crossed, scowling and glaring at the unwanted interlopers. Just what business did they have in this part of the New World? They were uncomfortably close to Whitebeard's territory...

By now, his crew had stormed up to the decks, guns, swords and all drawn out, ready for battle. Good, Smoker affirmed.

When the Emperor, one-armed yet still, _very_ dangerous, slouched his way through his own crew to make his appearance, Smoker was wary. _This_ was the man who had set Straw Hat on his course, _this_ was a man who started nothing but trouble. But just because he was an Emperor and the idol of one Pirate King wannabe meant nothing to Smoker. He was a dirty pirate no matter the title and he was a Marine. There was no need to afford him any deference, and so, in his usual gruff tone, "What do you want?"

Shanks's previously blank face cracks into a blinding grin. The _idiot_ spins completely around, baring his back to an entire ship of marines, to turn to one tall grey-haired man and laughs. "Ben! He's just like what I expected!"

The grey-haired Ben catches Smoker's (incredulous) gaze and sighs, exasperated, "Senchou..." _Get on with it,_ was the unspoken message.

Shanks turns around again. It was an effort and a half to remain solemn when the foe before him looked so giddy, he was just about ready to crawl out of his skin. Just what the hell was going on here? Smoker continues, "Get off my ship. You're wasting my time."

If anything, his succinct demands tickled him in places and Shanks actually skipped - _skipped_ towards him. Red-faced as well as red-haired, Smoker could smell the alcohol from this wastrel on his approach. With a smug, wide grin (similar to Straw Hat's, Smoker's mind pointed out mildly), Shanks reached up with his one arm, as if to - he was -

Surprisingly gentle fingers traced his jaw. Smoker didn't know how to react, if he should react or not, and so, didn't react. Perhaps Shanks would just leave after this disconcerting inspection of his face, Smoker mused. Pirates, all of them were fucking insane. And then Shanks promptly pulled his chin down and kissed him. Cigars and all.

"V-V-Vice Ad-Adm -"

"You fucking bastard!" The punch missed, as did the kick he aimed at the redhead's dopey face.

"Hehehe, Smoker-chan so easy to tease..."

"Get off my ship! I'll kill you!"

Despite his declaration, neither factions moved to defend themselves. His men were still frozen solid and the pirates... Smoker spared them a glance. They were obviously confident that their captain could take him and his crew on. Or maybe, going by the first mate's expression, they were hoping Smoker would beat some sense into the man. Smoker wanted to.

His mad lunging at the Emperor gave him no positive results. In fact, in his moment's distraction, Smoker was put into a headlock by the _infuriating_ drunk. "Maa, maa, Smoker-chan. I've come in peace! Let's be friends, ne~!"

"No." Smoker ground out, his cigars were just about bitten in half.

"But I've _decided_!" It was just wrong to have a full grown man whine and pout like that. "I like you." There were sputters and trifle protests from both sides but Smoker doubted that anyone could put an end to this... this... madness. He really shouldn't have gotten up this morning. "This calls for a _celebration_!"

"Red Hair," Smoker began ominously. He was still in a headlock. Shanks's hold had loosened up so much so that he was just draping his arm across his shoulders, but he knew that could change in a moment's notice. "Just _what_ are you -?"

"Call me Uncle Shanks!" Shanks instructed merrily before ambling off towards Tashigi. "Hey, miss, do you have any booze onboard?"

_Crunch_. There went his cigars. Smoker just knows, Ace has something to do with this. "..._Portgas_..."

As soon as that scrawny brat makes an appearance on his ship, he was going to boot him straight into the water.

-

It had taken him a week to evict Shanks and his determinedly merry crew off his flagship. It had taken even longer to clean up his fleet. What had initially started as a (disastrous) party on his flagship had spread through to all five ships under his control. How Shanks had acquired that much meat and booze, he didn't know. His men were still slightly hungover from Shanks' week-long drunken party. And Smoker was making sure every single one of those maggots suffered for it.

Things were beginning to slip back into the routine. Smoker no longer had that damned tic under his eye that appears whenever anything Ace-related is involved. Tashigi had finally stopped blushing. They were well on their way to finding (and capturing) the Straw Hats, when...

"Vice Admiral Smoker, a ship is approaching!" And then... "It's Straw Hat!"

The tic was back again, with a vengeance.

But it turns out, Monkey D. Luffy wasn't the only one who was making an appearance today. "V-V-V-V-"

_"Spit it out._"

"Vice Admiral G-G-"

"SMOKER! Grandson-in-law~!"

And equally as loudly, a voice was heard from the familiar lion, "Smokey-nii-chaaaaan~!" Going by the scandalized shouts from the deck, Straw Hat's crew still retained their sanity. That was slightly reassuring.

His flagship was once again accosted. Who knew how long this grandfather-grandson pair would stay? Sandwiched with military precision between Straw Hat Luffy's Lion and Garp the Fist's Dog, Smoker had no where to flee. He was boarded in short order. "Jii-chan! You're here too? Shishishishishi, let's party! _Sanji_! FOOD!"

"...Fucking Portgas."

The green-haired one, Roronoa Zoro, stops mid-argument with Tashigi to smirk at him. "That's what got you into this mess in the first place, Smoker." Tashigi promptly tried to run him through with her sword. Smoker smiled at the sight. He knew Tashigi was a good subordinate.

-

When the Moby Dick pulls up a few days after Garp and Straw Hat had left, Smoker was ready to climb aboard, find his idiot of a lover and drown him - consequences be damned. His small but efficient fleet had nearly been decimated under the combined chaos of both Garp and Luffy's crew. They had barely withstood that damned Emperor's party in the first place.

So, with the attitude of a man walking to the gallows, Smoker stood on his deck and waited.

Much to his disappointment, Ace did not make an appearance. But what seemed like everyone else on Whitebeard's ship did. At the very front of the party, was Marco the Phoenix. After this very trying month, Smoker took this invasion of his privacy with good grace. "What the _fuck_ do you want? Get off my ship." His subordinates hadn't even bothered to look alarmed by the sudden appearance of another Emperor. If anything, they expected another party.

The sleepy-eyed blond obviously wasn't impressed. "You're pretty rude, yoi. What does Ace _see _in you?" The other pirates, _Ace's nakama_, Smoker reminded himself tightly, snickered. "Pops, are you sure about this?"

"Gurararararara," came the earthshaking laugh of a giant. Smoker counted his blessings that Whitebeard hadn't boarded his ship himself. But then kicked himself for thinking it, since when was he cowed by a pirate?! This month needed to end and _soon_. "Bring him up, Marco."

Smoker was going to have a talk with Ace by the end of this. The brat obviously had no idea what the meaning of the word discretion was.


End file.
